shooting at the walls of heartache
by AtLoLevad
Summary: Josh and Donna suffer a loss


"You know, it's rude to stand someone up on a lunch date," Josh said into the phone without waiting for a greeting.

"Josh..."

"Doubly rude when that person is your husband," Josh continued, ignoring Donna's attempts at speaking. He sat back in the chair at the table, building up to his third point.

"Josh..." Donna's voice was tinny through the Blackberry's tiny speaker.

"Triply rude when you just admonished said husband less than two weeks ago for missing multiple lunch dates," he finished, gesturing pointedly with his free hand, even though Donna wasn't around to see him. A few waiters were though, and shot him strange looks. Josh ignored them.

It was rare that he got to be the "better" one in his relationship with Donna. Usually his manners and punctuality left much to be desired. So, he liked being able to take this opportunity to gloat.

(Although, a small part of his brain that sounded suspiciously like Donna pointed out that not gloating would've made him the bigger person. Josh shrugged against that voice.)

"Seriously," he continued, "are you coming or should I just grab some take out?"

He didn't mind either way - the restaurant Donna had chosen for their weekly lunch was one of his favorites. It didn't matter where he ate the food, so long as he got to eat it.

"Josh," Donna's voice was stronger now, a little more insistent. "I'm on my way to GW."

"What?" Josh yelped, jumping to his feet. The ambient noise of the restaurant faded away and all he could hear was the harsh drumbeat of his heart in his chest. "Donna..."

He heard her inhale sharply and the noise was like a knife to his chest.

"I'm okay..." she started and he cut her off.

"Obviously not! You're going to the hospital. Donna!"

His panic levels spiked and his breathing was shallow. She'd been in the East Wing all morning. She couldn't... there had to be a mistake. She was taking someone else to GW.

"Josh, listen to me," Donna's tone was serious but soothing. She could hear his panic and despite her situation, she wanted to comfort him. "I will be fine, I'm having a miscarriage..."

The rest of Donna's words faded into nothing as Josh ran from the restaurant. She had to have been talking in his ear, but he was only focused on driving.

His stomach churned as he drove - a miscarriage.

They'd only known Donna was pregnant for a handful of weeks. They were going to surprise her parents and his mom with the news during the holiday. His stomach lurched when he realized that wouldn't happen now.

Josh had never experienced such a jarring loss of equilibrium before.

* * *

"Donnatella Lyman," Josh shouted, skidding up to the reception desk in GW. His coat flapped around him and his eyes were wild.

"I'm sorry?" the receptionist raised a skeptical eyebrow.

Josh huffed an angry breath and repeated his wife's name.

"Relation?"

"She's my wife. She's my wife and she's having a miscarriage, dammit," Josh pounded his fist on the desk. "Tell me where she is!"

The receptionist's angry expression faded into something else - pity, Josh realized with horrifying clarity - and she tapped at the keyboard in front of her. "She's in 1733, Mr. Lyman. Take the southwest elevator bank for the most direct route."

Josh was off like a rocket, bumping into people left and right. He tapped his foot impatiently as the elevator moved impossibly slowly to the 17th floor. His stomach was in knots and his fingers pushed tracks through his wild hair.

All he could think about was the terrified excitement on Donna's face when she had come out of their bathroom, that cheap plastic stick clutched in her hand. The way she had clapped her hand over her mouth after announcing, "Josh, oh my god, it's positive. I'm pregnant."

Josh pressed the heels of his hands into his eye sockets until he saw stars. This was - unfathomable.

The elevator doors slid open with barely a noise and Josh practically fell over his feet trying to escape the small confines. He forced himself to set his pace at a brisk walk - thank god Donna's room was only a few feet from the elevator banks.

"Donna!" he breathed, going pale at the sight of her in the stile hospital room. He was unpleasantly reminded of a different hospital room in a different country.

"Hi," she managed weakly. She looked terrible - face whiter than white, purple circles under her eyes. Josh winced.

He stood motionless by the door, unable to speak or move closer to her. His heart stuttered in his chest.

"Made it here in pretty good time," Donna commented off-handedly.

Josh shook his head. "I didn't stop. I ... you're here and I didn't stop for anything. Donna..." his voice broke on her name.

"Not even for red lights?" Donna asked, tears sliding freely down her cheeks. She'd barely cried since the cramps had started in earnest forty-five minutes ago, but the sight of Josh - disheveled and _here_ \- opened the floodgates.

Josh shook his head. "Donna, _nothing_ could keep me away from you. What happened?"

He finally found his feet and strode into the room, sitting on the edge of Donna's bed and grasping her hand. Her skin was cool and a little clammy, but he could feel her pulse under his fingers and the steady beat served to calm Josh's own racing heart.

She sighed and leaned her head back, looking even more exhausted than she had when Josh first saw her.

"I was with Mrs. Santos," Donna started slowly. She blinked heavily and Josh wondered if she had been given any sedatives. "Her speech at Georgetown, we were going over it and I went to get more water."

She paused and Josh brushed a strand of hair off of her cheek.

"Forget it, Donna. You don't have to tell me." Truth be told, Josh didn't really want to hear any more. His imagination was already presenting the worst-case picture and hearing Donna recount what had happened wouldn't help.

He wiped at the tears on her cheeks and Donna leaned into his touch. She pressed her lips against his palm.

"It's gone," she whispered against his sweaty skin. Her words were muffled, but Josh knew. He had known from the moment he'd let her speak on the phone.

"I'm so sorry, Donna," he whispered, leaning down to touch his forehead to hers.

"I was pregnant, Josh," she sobbed. "And now I'm not."

"I know, I know," her muttered, running a hand over Donna's hair. Tears - hot and salty - fell from his own eyes onto Donna's cheeks. Her hand shakily grabbed onto his and held on for dear life. Josh squeezed her fingers back, feeling like he would drift away if he weren't anchored to her.

* * *

Donna was released to Josh's care a few hours later, after their options had been explained to them and a D&C procedure had been performed. Josh may have thrown around their positions as Chiefs of Staff to get the entire process expedited. He didn't care - he would've done anything to get Donna out of the hospital as fast as possible.

He shuffled her out of the car and into their building as gently as possible. She winced a handful of times and her grip on Josh's hand was vise-like, but they made their way slowly up to the apartment.

Donna stopped dead in her tracks just beyond the doorway. Her hand trembled in Josh's and her voice was hoarse when she asked, "What the hell are those, Josh?"

"What?" Josh whipped his head around and caught sight of the bouquet of flowers on the side table. His heart sunk to his stomach. "Oh..."

"Josh," her voice wobbled and her stomach tightened.

"It's..." he hesitated, knowing full well that he was going to be promoted to head asshole for this one. "It's April 4th."

Donna let out a choked sob, "I _hate_ this not-anniversary, Josh!"

"I know!" he countered quickly. "I know, I'm an ass. It's our joke though."

"It's not!" Donna sobbed. "It's your joke and you know I hate it. I hate being reminded of that."

She wrenched her hand from Josh's and swayed a little unsteadily. With a sharp glare, Donna spat, "It's cruel, Josh!" and stalked off to their bedroom.

The door slammed shut and Josh flinched at the sound. The apartment was filled with sudden and unbearable silence. After a beat, he lunged forward and snatched the bouquet of flowers. A few hurried steps took him into the kitchen and Josh stuffed the flowers deep into the garbage can, resting his palms against the counter when he was done.

"Dammit, dammit, dammit!" he shouted, slapping his palms on the counter with each word. Angry tears splashed against the countertop, but Josh made no moves to wipe them away.

His stomach churned with guilt and an aching emptiness. And then he felt even guiltier because if he was feeling this bad, how horrible must Donna be feeling?

His Blackberry vibrated in his pocket - probably a message from Sam asking how he and Donna were doing. Josh had updated his best friend hours ago – while Donna had been under the general anesthetic for the D&C – and had asked him to put in for the two vacation days that would give them the rest of the week off. Sam had agreed quickly and easily, asking if there was anything he could do. Josh had sighed wearily and just asked that Sam keep the miscarriage quiet. Sam had agreed, expressing sympathy and sorrow for the loss of a baby he had only known about for twenty minutes.

Now, Josh ignored the phone - he didn't have the energy to talk to anyone right now. He scrubbed his hands harshly over his face and started moving.

He took off his jacket, suit jacket, and tie, draping all three items over the back of the couch.

He kicked off his shoes by the front door and rolled up his shirtsleeves.

Then he was back in the kitchen, heating a mug of water to make tea for Donna. He felt useless - wandering around the apartment aimlessly. He nearly burnt his hand on the hot mug when the tea was ready, but he barely felt the pain.

"Donna?" he called her name softly through the door, knocking lightly. "I...I made you tea."

She didn't answer, but Josh could hear muffled sobs. He swallowed and said, "Donna, I'm gonna come in, okay?"

He didn't wait for an answer that wasn't going to come and pushed through the door. Donna was curled up on their bed, still dressed in her work clothes, with her face pressed into a pillow.

"Hey," he said quietly, setting the mug on the night table. "Donna, honey..." he trailed off, unsure of what he could possibly say to make anything better.

"I'm sorry," he started, "for the flowers. I thought it would be something we could laugh about tonight."

"I hate the April anniversary," Donna muttered into the pillow.

"I know," Josh sighed. He hovered awkwardly at the side of the bed and ran his hand through his hair. "I'm an ass."

"You're not," she whispered and Josh took a step forward. "I would've laughed, if ... if..."

Her words broke off into choked sobs and Josh's insides crumpled. He sat down heavily on the edge of the bed, jostling Donna a little. She hiccupped in the middle of a sob and reached her hand out to grasp at his pant leg. The fabric bunched in her hand.

"I'm sorry," he whispered again and curled up on the bed next to Donna. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her back to his chest. Donna wrapped her hands around his forearms and held on tightly.

"I really wanted to be a mom," Donna whispered.

Josh's heart shattered at her small, broken voice. His grip around her tightened.

He had really wanted to be a dad.

"If...when you're ready," he muttered into her hair, "we can try again."

He felt a few tears drop onto his arm as Donna nodded. She stroked his arm delicately.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you," she sighed, curling closer to him. The steady beat of Josh's heart against her back was comforting. As obnoxious and scattered as he was, Josh was her rock. She needed him as much as he needed her - that's what made them work so well.

Josh shook his head, "Snap all you need, Donna. Hell, I've snapped at you over less."

They fell into a comfortable silence; the only sound in the quiet apartment was their synchronized breathing. Josh remained curled around Donna. He kept his hand wrapped around her torso, avoiding her stomach for both their sakes. Just last night Josh had slept with his palm spread across her bare skin, protecting the life growing inside her.

"Josh?" Donna whispered, breaking the silence.

"Yeah?"

She rolled over gingerly, wincing as she did so. Now that she was facing Josh, she looked up into his eyes and brushed her fingers gently over his jaw - the end of day stubble scratched at her fingers. Josh closed his eyes at her touch and angled his head to kiss her palm.

"I'm sorry," she murmured.

Josh's eyes shot open. He took in Donna's pale face, the dark circles under her red-rimmed eyes, her unkempt hair. She looked exhausted, grief-stricken, and guilty.

"You better be apologizing for snapping again," Josh said firmly. "Because there's literally nothing else for you to apologize for."

His stomach clenched at the thought that Donna felt like the miscarriage was her fault. If anything, it was his fault for not insisting she take it easier. He could've been better about handling his own stuff and taking stressors off of Donna. He was too old, something was wrong with him because it couldn't be Donna.

Donna tucked her head under his chin and pressed her nose to his throat. "I couldn't... "

"It's not you, Donna," Josh hugged her tightly. "These... these things happen," he repeated the words the doctor had told them at the hospital, but they rang hollow. He couldn't help but feel like they were being punished. For what, he didn't know, but it felt like punishment.

"I'm so tired," Donna sighed.

"Yeah," Josh nodded. "The doctor said you probably would be. Why don't you change into sweats or something and I'll run out for some soup. You can sleep as long as you need."

"Okay," Donna agreed on a mumble, but then didn't make any efforts to move. Her whole body just felt so heavy - like it would take a herculean effort to move even an inch right now. Josh sighed and curled around her again. He didn't quite feel like moving either.

"Maybe we could just rest here a little longer," he said quietly.

Donna hummed in agreement. "I think I'd like that."

She sighed as she pressed her cheek against his chest, his heartbeat thumping steadily. It slowly grew darker outside and with each minute that passed Josh could feel his heart start to mend.

* * *

 _A/N: I wrote this a little bit ago and finally edited it enough to post! Sorry that it's so sad - I'll have happier things ready to post soon, I hope!_

 _Drop me a review and let me know what you think :)_


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